Finding Myself At 50

I didn't mind turning 50.

What was most important for me that year was that I had separated from my partner and had achieved that before another decade went by. I was glad to be free and (for the most part healthy) and hopefully - although far from the age I’d like be- still young enough to feel I may have some years of happy life ahead of me.

And the journey since turning fifty that has been somewhat fascinating.

A return to the self that I had completely lost sight of, along with new insights and learnings about myself and capabilities that I never knew I had before - or was never brave enough to explore before.

I feel I have lived much of my life in a state of restraint or a subdued version of myself. Certainly, I could have pushed boundaries more, but for whatever reasons I didn't. The constraints of a conservative and socially isolated family, and lack of self-confidence, have pervaded my entire life.

As I look back, I realize that I have frequently been told that I'm not smart/creative/ outgoing/extrovert enough to achieve the things I may have thought of pursuing. And rather than rally against that (like I did against any constraints imposed on sexist grounds) I never allowed myself to explore or push the boundaries of my intellectual and creative drives.

"No one in this family has vee been musical"; "it’s not like you would ever get a job"; "it won’t take you anywhere"; "if you haven't written your first novel by the time you are 30, you probably never will.."; "don't become an academic- they don't earn much money" (I later learned they earn at least 2 to 3 times what I do, and without night shift and weekend work).

As I reflect, I realize that there have been voices and forces louder than mine imposing these ideas on me my whole life.

Jack of all trades and master of none. I have the smarts to be good at most things that interest me, but never smart enough to be singled out or acknowledged or offered opportunities. And too quiet and reserved to promote myself. I spent years being told that "children should be seen and not heard". Even if it was half in jest, it lays a foundation.

As a nurse there is the weight of the whole patriarchal health system which constantly reinforces that nurses who are predominantly female -and by default inferior- are there to do the menial work, and should not challenge or question the opinion of the medical staff (who back then were predominantly male). If and when that is required, it is important to do it in such a way as to make the doctors think it was their thinking in the first place.

As a friend said recently "if there were 10 people judging something I did and 9 of them said it was amazing, but one gave negative feedback- that's all I would hear". I am exactly like that.

And yet I have discovered that it doesn't take a lot of positive input to spur me on.

I took up guitar again a few years ago because some parents at school who play encouraged me "just 10 minutes a day on most days and you will get better and maintain your finger callouses". So I did, and it’s been great. And I really want to share it- but I don't have the courage and I don't have anyone pushing me to. I have realized I don't know how to put things into practice- how to move them from the personal space of my head or house into a different realm. I am not of the internet age, and the thought of posting myself singing on Tic Tock or even a music site is ludicrous to me, and so intimidating. And also 'showy' which is not me at all.

A little part of me desperately wants to be noticed and acknowledged, but I am too afraid (and technologically defunct and avoidant) to do it. I need a catalyst and driver - someone to take the reins and lead me, and put me in the spotlight.

I think part of that is maybe the need to have someone who believes in me.

I have never believed in myself. Funny how it’s a trope in very kids book and movie- ‘believe in yourself and you can be whatever you want’.

I missed that message in my education and nurture show bag. I never got it. And coupled with the voices from all directions in my life "did you get those glasses to make yourself look intelligent?" I have never been able to obtain it.

Part of me thinks I have talents and abilities, but something holds me back. I know I only need the slightest hint of encouragement to feel good and positive, but I never get enough to really build confidence and self- belief. For example: a comment from my writing teacher "I think that piece you wrote is really good.." and I am flying high- full of aspirations. But still lacking the know-how and real confidence to have a go.

Don't get me wrong- I don't put myself down and I do not ruminate in the realms of thinking I am worthless or a failure or no good. I just don't have belief in myself either.

I know I am my own harshest critic. And I think that others have worked with that to quash me even more so. And while I may feel like I'm pushing boundaries and being really outspoken (because in the parameters of my upbringing I am) perhaps compared to the rest of the world I am but a feeble peep from the distance.

My partner always saw me as someone who presented myself in my own way but in an understated way. And I agree. And this for me was a compliment. I felt that it was true and something that resonated with how I felt or wanted to be perceived. I am not one to blow my own trumpet or shout from the roof tops but can get my message or presence across in a style that is recognized but not loud.

However, I feel like that became the only realm for me- the only version I was allowed to be. Don't buy me anything that may be too noticeable or special or showy. (Unlike a previous partner who would want to give me the best of everything and a massive diamond ring to show how much he cared and how proud he was to be with me). Get the smallest version of those earrings, that engagement ring, the muted colour's of that top. Never anything that resembled "bling" or flamboyant or expressed myself differently- as if I needed to be contained in that state -not given an opportunity to shine or stand out. And he never considered that I would want to.

He had several friends who had been in a band back in the day at uni. And some of them still play- one of them quite well is my understanding. But my partner never wanted to hear me play or sing. And he never told his friends that I play or that I was any good.

I would have loved the opportunity to play with them. But being me, with little self-belief, I never felt I could ask them or my husband to ask them for me. And he would have blocked it I think- "oh Michael doesn't really play now", or "he's so busy he wouldn't have time for you" or "he is really good, like really good " implying that he wouldn't have the time of day for someone like me.

Those subtle messages are the ones that have held me back. He never wanted to promote me or my achievements. Not that everything he said was negative- but like so many other influential people in my life- he never pushed me to believe in myself and never promoted or spoke of me as someone who had something to offer.

I heard the other day that kids with ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages by the age of 12 than a neurotypical child. This has really struck me. How powerful all that messaging is. And it’s not always direct criticism although it often is.

As I explore the reality of this and way we communicate with kids and judgements we pass and the expectations we have I am beginning to ponder how powerful these messages were for myself as a child.

My family weren't abusive, and they did a lot of good things, but they were socially isolated, and my dad was highly critical. Not necessarily of me, but of others- politicians mostly, with his endless evening rants at the incompetence of the Hawk government etc etc. Everything was defined in the negative- everything! If dad said something was “good” we would have all fallen over. "Not bad" was an exceptional compliment.

And my uncle - always putting people down. "he's a good shearer, but he talks and wastes too much time, and cuts them a bit too long so you don't get the full length of the fibre.." "He's an excellent horseman, but he's into that bloody rodeo! Jesus, why you want to get around with a massive great buckle on your jeans like that- it’s only gonna hamper your work, get caught in something.". Subtle but constant.

My husband - exactly the same I have realized "he's such a great guy, but he stops and reads every sign and piece of information along the hike"; "he talks to much, and he's obsessively clean"; "he's a good, solid architect, but lazy- you should have seen his models at uni. I don't know how he passed. And he thinks they're great".

And mum "your just as smart as your brother- you just have to work harder", but also "well there's no point pursuing that, it won’t get you anywhere"; "I don't know why you bother studying that arts degree, it will never get you a job"; "I didn't tell you much that I love you because I didn't want you to be dependent upon it".

And it is not that these things were said with malice or ill-intent, and it is not that they were even the dominant line of thinking/talking. Its just that they are the ones that stuck.

It has taken me decades to recognize these influences. It’s not just the voice inside of me- it’s a lifetime of people telling me that no matter what I do, it will be tainted with a criticism. It will be substandard or overshadowed by my other failings. So why even try, when I know I am doomed to failure and rejection. There is always a caveat, an underhanded dig or rejection.

I am happy to accept that I am fundamentally flawed and that I am not good at everything, but gee it would be nice to have had someone believe in me and support and encourage me in a non-judgmental way, not in a holding me back, 'preparing me for the worst', and encouraging me to 'avoid the pitfalls' kind of way.

So now here in my 50's as I begin to rebuild myself and remember who I am and find a way to live as a single person again, from somewhere deep down inside there is a little spark saying "you actually may have something here- you actually can sing ok, and you are not a bad writer". And perhaps just the few voices of positivity and encouragement - in a moment where I am old enough to reflect on my experiences and influences- will be enough to embolden me to have a crack - give it a go.

I still don't know how to "put myself out there" but I feel like I am willing to, if someone will guide me through, and maybe give me a little shove..?