Post lockdown Apathy

How we bounce back - or not- from lockdown.

This was written after lockdown 4 in Melbourne so late June 2021. I realize it may be a bit out of date right now.

I have commented a couple of time recently to friends about how my standards have reached an all new level of low. A level previously not known to exist. I thought I had reached the epitome of low somewhere in the past 2 years as my piles of washing mount in the growing number of washing baskets scattered around the loungeroom floor and the children have learnt to go clothes diving into them each day to find undies, socks and t-shirts for school.

The general sate of chaos and untidiness is beyond anything I ever expected to live in. But seemingly in post lockdown there are even knew heights of low standards. And what is more unsettling is that unlike the general state of chaos that I have resisted and attempted to resolve week after week after week over the past few years, I have now given up. I seemingly just don't care, cant care, don't have the capacity to care. I cannot get my butt off the couch in the late evening to fold that washing or sweep that floor. I just don't have it in me. There is an abject failure of desire to do or be better and fulfil even my own much lowered standards.

This is not like me. And I think I am not alone

I have had similar conversations with a number of people who have reported equally profound levels of apathy and not caring, and lack of energy even to do their usual activities. Many friends have been weepy. Tears over coffee and on walks. All seeking what social and emotional support we can cram into the few hours we have between work and school drop and pick up. We are needing to cry and debrief and let it out.

It seems even worse that after the long lockdown last year. This was 2 weeks, and we survived, and we were more flexible in our approach and how we managed on a day to day basis with park/friend time and remote earning was 1000 times improved on last year. But we are struggling. Is it PTSD? We all try to soldier on and not acknowledge the damage that was done last year. Last year is simply not discussed. It just didn't exist, and we have wiped it from our memories. Too painful to think about and therefore shuttered into the far reaches of the proverbial attic space of our minds. But it is a caged tiger. It is still pacing back, forth, back, forth, and its there, lying in wait with its unacknowledged undercurrent of latent trauma and anxiety. We are all pretending to be ok, but we are at a heightened state of background anxiety. We know this hasn't gone away and could happen again any time. We are hyper-vigilant to news bulletins about covid cases anywhere in the country and especially in Melbourne.

When you don't face grief, when you don't express it, when you repress experiences, they don't actually disappear. They are there under the surface.

We are burnt, we are exhausted. We catapulted ourselves into Christmas and summer holidays and got on with our lives and just shut the door on the pain of last year. But I have a feeling that door is flyscreen and gusts of trauma keep being swept in.

We need to allow ourselves to experience and discuss and release that grief and hurt. We need a collective ginormous group hug, and funeral/ceremony to acknowledge the hurt.

Is our apathy a sign of depression, of grief, or a collective acknowledgement that we have no control and that trying to control the things we usually control to make us feel safe and in charge is just not working anymore and we have abandoned ourselves to the fatalistic acceptance that all resistance is futile and trying to live up to some past mentality of happy normal life is useless and pointless . We need a collective time to wallow- to repair, to be sad and flat and miserable and drink too much tea and watch too much Netflix and own it, and feel it, and accept it.

We already have an epidemic, if not pandemic of depression and anxiety in our country and I assume globally. That was pre-covid.

Shares in pharmaceuticals who make anti-depressants would have to be a good investment right now, or probably a year ago. How many people commenced medication in the last year, to try to quell the anxiety and misery that our lifestyles imposes upon us and further exacerbated by the loss of control of lockdown.

I come from a place of privilege. I am a middle aged white woman who has a job and a roof over my head. My life isn't charmed and I have may fair share of challenges in my life, but I don't own a business that is crumbling, or have casual work that has dried up in the past 12 months, or have any family members be ill or pass away under the covid 'no visiting' regime. And I don't experience family violence in my home. Life is tough, but still I am well placed.

If this is how I feel and how my friends feel, then we know there is more depth to this experience than I have witnessed. And yes we need to be thankful we are not overseas, (but many of us have family and friends overseas), and thankful we have a vaccine, and that we weren't more affected, but I think Australians, Victorians, and certainly Melbournians need to be able to acknowledge and express the grief and hurt and hardship that has been the past 18 months. We need an opportunity to mourn the year we lost and process all the other griefs and loses and life changes that we had to manage and get through in the oppressive overlay of lockdown. We need an opportunity to take time to care for each other and grieve and heal and recalibrate and re-energise.